Alright, team. Take a knee.

What was that out there?

Seriously…What. The. Hell. Was. That?

Oh, no no no, you guys were great. I’m talking about the weather. It got dark, drizzled a little, then turned, well, gray. Like a color film that all of a sudden became black and white. It hurt my eyes just trying to keep my eye on the ball. And it hurt when the rain drops hit me in the eye(s).

But even though there was a definite lack of heart this week at the game itself (and again, by heart I mean drinking), you never ceased to impress me. Eva with her attempted catching; Amy with her actual catching; Dugan with his crafty pitching; Scott with his pants-on-fire base-running and accusations of cheating. It was a cacophony of beautiful yelling and ball tossing - much like my nights in college - and I couldn’t get enough.

Yes, our opponents made some questionable calls, but don’t let them make you question yourselves. Be stronger than their juvenile taunts, blind-sided base umpiring and run adding/subtracting whims. Though I only remember scoring twice, so that third run, tallied by our unwavering Saucony judge, must have been a pity point.

More importantly, I’d like to talk about the real victory at California Clipper afterwards. My heart swelled with pride when I saw that four members of our team stayed until the bitter end, while only one UR Chicago player did. You can’t cheat in that game. Because then you end up sober. And sobriety, as we all know, is for losers.

That’s dedication. And it’s the kind of dedication that will result in our very first win when we play capture the flag in a couple weeks. W00t, my friends.

W00t.

As our whiffleball games come to a close we reflect on this past week in Chicago with an early reminiscent sparkle in our eye.
Congratulations to game winners this week- MyOpenBar, Threadless & UR Chicago.
Here are a couple links to the games to tide you over until everyone gets their posts up.
Monday’s games and Tuesday’s game!

We will be announcing the next game tomorrow and we really hope you’ll capture the spirit of it!

This week, TOC plays UR Chicago. With our loss last week to the funny t-shirt people still fresh in our minds, we had to pull out the big guns for our TOC Ferocious Player of the Week. And by big guns, we mean big tape guns. Meet Carly Mulliken.

Carly is TOC’s office coordinator. In other words, this place falls apart when she takes a day off. She is also a big trash talker as this interview attests.

Which professional athlete do most people compare you to?
Anna Kournikova, because she’s blond and not that good at sports.

What is your secret weapon?
TOC ad sales assistant Leah Johnston, a.k.a. the Incredible Ginger. She almost fits in my pocket. (At left, actual size)

How good are your whiffle ball skills?
Pretty amazing, you should come watch.

What’s the best song to get psyched up to slaughter your opponent?
“Gonna Make You Sweat” by C&C Music Factory.

Describe your most glorious athletic achievement.
It’s a tie between going to Nationals for swimming at the age of 12 and when TOC kicks UR Chicago’s butt this week.

If your athletic life story were a book, what would be the title?
Berenstain Bears Go Out for the Team. It wasn’t really written about me, but it really sums up my “athletic life story.” It’s about teamwork, sportsmanship and really just putting your best foot forward.

What do you want to say to UR Chicago, our opponent this week?
UR going to lose. Snap!

TOC takes on UR Chicago in a whiffle ball game tomorrow night at 7pm in Humboldt Park and then again in a series of drinking games at the California Clipper at 9pm, when we prove we know more names of old man drinks than they do. If it rains, we’re hitting California Clipper at 8pm. Because we’re dedicated sporting professionals.

Alright team; take a knee.

Time Outers, I just wanna start by saying that I was proud of each and every one of you Biting Wits out there today. You all hustled to the bases and showed tremendous support for one another on the field. I remember thinking to myself, at one point, “There’s no way they’re going to catch that ball.” But then you caught it. And not only that, but you threw it into the infield. At times, you hit it with a yellow stick—or, as I learned last night, a whiffle bat. It’s no surprise we achieved a glorious victory over our Threadless enemies.

But unfortunately, Threadless scored more runs. So that victory is only a victory of the heart.

Boy, was there a lot of heart. And by heart, I mean drinking. Tim, you were so dedicated that you brought your beer out with you into the outfield. I want to thank you for that. Your example shined all the way over to shortstop, where I did the same thing mere innings later.

January, it took a lot of heart to tell your son not to pee in the bushes, but instead to hold it until he got somewhere more sanitary. That kind of dedication to cleanliness is sure to win us games down the line, assuming the games involve cleaning of some kind. Plus, if there’s one thing us heartful people know more about than drinking, it’s peeing.

And to the rest of you too numerous to mention, who filled your water guns with heart and shot that heart all over your opponents’ chests later that night at the heart-dispensery; a special - heartfelt even - word of thanks. Thank you for boldly demonstrating that we, the Time Out Chicago Biting Wit, know our way around a bar.

Sorry to cut this short, but I have to take my heart medicine.

Great job out there guys. We’ll get them next week. Maybe. If You’re Bored, It’s Not Our Fault on three: One. Two. Three!

Each week prior to Time Out Chicago’s next game, we will feature The TOC Ferocious Player of the Week. This week’s FPOTW: Mike Novak, TOC’s associate art director. Here’s what Mike had to say vis a vis his ferocity:

Which professional athlete do most people compare you to?
Oksana Baiul; For my precision on the field/ice, my girlish figure, and our shared hate of Nancy Kerrigan.

What is your secret weapon?
Metamucil.

How good are your whiffle ball skills?
I probably have the most versatile arsenal of pitches in the league. Fan favorites include: The “Stink Ball,” the “Free Ball,” and, of course, the “Eliminator.”

What’s the best pre-game song to listen to in order to get psyched up to slaughter your opponent?
“Triple Corpse Hammerblow” by The Children of Bodom on the Hate Crew Deathroll album. I didn’t make that up. (Editor’s note: Holy crap, no he didn’t. Warning: link may be too metalically awesome for those with heart conditions.)

Describe your most glorious athletic achievement.
I once led the Buffalo Bills to an undefeated season in Tecmo Super Bowl 1993, on Nintendo.*
*Original 8-bit version. (NOTE: I also had over 2000 rushing yards with Thurman Thomas, and 40 sacks with Bruce Smith.)

If your athletic life story were a book, what would be the title?
From the Backyard to the Ballpark: The Epic Journey of one American Whiffleballer.

What do you want to say to Threadless, our opponent this week?
Thread this!

Tremble in your t-shirts, Threadless!

TOC takes on Threadless tonight at 7pm in Humboldt Park and then again at approximately 9pm when we drink them under the table at a bar TBD. Probably later there will be some arm wrestling. And then competitive hugging.