defeated!

Who in the what now? Team Shark Attacks fell to the undefeated Total F*cking Nightmare Storm during the Kubb matchup. We had no idea was Kubb was. All we knew was that it looked like an item that you could buy in Ikea next to the frozen Swedish meatballs.

Turns out it was less annoying than Bocce Ball and more fun than Cornhole. If Kubb is truly a Viking game, then I should of prepped by playing a good ‘ol fashioned round of Crossbows and Catapults.

Team Shark Attacks unsure of the murky water ahead

Rannell throws a mean wood.

Can you handle the flash AND the pressure, mr. photographer? CAN YOU?!?!?!?

Clayton makes a big play. Lizelle is the only one somewhat interested.

If I’ve learned anything from Lost, it is to throw together or die alone.

So we all puffed out our chests a little bit after our game of Capture the Flag last month against WXRT. That is not to say they didn’t give us a run for our money… “Coaching” from the sidelines, aka sitting on my butt, was like watching some nature program on NOVA. I’ve never seen my crew so exhausted from running for their lives. Reality entertainment at its best. I just wish we had some videos from this game. Excited to see how we do during the ever popular KUBB, “an outdoor Viking game for all ages.” Sounds right up our alley…

Alright team; take a knee.

Time Outers, I just wanna start by saying that I was proud of each and every one of you Biting Wits out there today. You all hustled to the bases and showed tremendous support for one another on the field. I remember thinking to myself, at one point, “There’s no way they’re going to catch that ball.” But then you caught it. And not only that, but you threw it into the infield. At times, you hit it with a yellow stick—or, as I learned last night, a whiffle bat. It’s no surprise we achieved a glorious victory over our Threadless enemies.

But unfortunately, Threadless scored more runs. So that victory is only a victory of the heart.

Boy, was there a lot of heart. And by heart, I mean drinking. Tim, you were so dedicated that you brought your beer out with you into the outfield. I want to thank you for that. Your example shined all the way over to shortstop, where I did the same thing mere innings later.

January, it took a lot of heart to tell your son not to pee in the bushes, but instead to hold it until he got somewhere more sanitary. That kind of dedication to cleanliness is sure to win us games down the line, assuming the games involve cleaning of some kind. Plus, if there’s one thing us heartful people know more about than drinking, it’s peeing.

And to the rest of you too numerous to mention, who filled your water guns with heart and shot that heart all over your opponents’ chests later that night at the heart-dispensery; a special - heartfelt even - word of thanks. Thank you for boldly demonstrating that we, the Time Out Chicago Biting Wit, know our way around a bar.

Sorry to cut this short, but I have to take my heart medicine.

Great job out there guys. We’ll get them next week. Maybe. If You’re Bored, It’s Not Our Fault on three: One. Two. Three!

Each week prior to Time Out Chicago’s next game, we will feature The TOC Ferocious Player of the Week. This week’s FPOTW: Mike Novak, TOC’s associate art director. Here’s what Mike had to say vis a vis his ferocity:

Which professional athlete do most people compare you to?
Oksana Baiul; For my precision on the field/ice, my girlish figure, and our shared hate of Nancy Kerrigan.

What is your secret weapon?
Metamucil.

How good are your whiffle ball skills?
I probably have the most versatile arsenal of pitches in the league. Fan favorites include: The “Stink Ball,” the “Free Ball,” and, of course, the “Eliminator.”

What’s the best pre-game song to listen to in order to get psyched up to slaughter your opponent?
“Triple Corpse Hammerblow” by The Children of Bodom on the Hate Crew Deathroll album. I didn’t make that up. (Editor’s note: Holy crap, no he didn’t. Warning: link may be too metalically awesome for those with heart conditions.)

Describe your most glorious athletic achievement.
I once led the Buffalo Bills to an undefeated season in Tecmo Super Bowl 1993, on Nintendo.*
*Original 8-bit version. (NOTE: I also had over 2000 rushing yards with Thurman Thomas, and 40 sacks with Bruce Smith.)

If your athletic life story were a book, what would be the title?
From the Backyard to the Ballpark: The Epic Journey of one American Whiffleballer.

What do you want to say to Threadless, our opponent this week?
Thread this!

Tremble in your t-shirts, Threadless!

TOC takes on Threadless tonight at 7pm in Humboldt Park and then again at approximately 9pm when we drink them under the table at a bar TBD. Probably later there will be some arm wrestling. And then competitive hugging.