We hesitate to use words like “dominate,” “slaughter,” and phrases like “wiped the floor with them,” but that’s what we’ve done the past two games on our inevitable domination of the tournament. Kind of like Julius Caesar’s ending the Republic, or the barbarians’ takeover of Rome, if you will. (See. You just learned something.)

First up, there was Whiffleball against the hapless WXRT:  

How can you compete against a 5′0 superstar like Garin?

Josh, Adam, Joey and Garin watch in awe…

…as Alan hits it out of the field:

Then Max scores a home run:

And gets a genuine man-hug from Joey in celebration. Look closely; this is not often documented on camera:

But the real success of the night was at the California Clipper:

[L->R: Theresa, Josh, Max, Hollis, Adam, Joey, Garin, Alan, Matt]

We managed to — quelle suprise! — out-drink everyone else. What a way to start a work week.

[View all the photos here.]

Next, we maimed UR Chicago during Capture The Flag. Literally.

Hollis runs at the speed of light:

Theresa attempts to get someone out by kicking them (unsuccessfully):

But no matter. Not only did we win, we discovered the open bar tab covers everything — including shots for [clockwise from left] Hollis, Adam, Garin, Theresa, Joey, Brian and Max:

And that sometimes, wonderful people even get us pizza to go with our drinks:

[View all the photos here.]

Not only did we blow through our own allotment of money for the open bar, we also used up the rest of UR Chicago’s tab. What – they’re not professional drinkers?

So we continue the push to defeat all the other teams and secure ultimate victory (and an open bar) for ourselves. In the meantime, if you’re reading this in Miami, NYC, Los Angeles, Honolulu, or San Francisco, go treat yourself to a free drink tonight. It’s on us.

Want to know more about Myopenbar.com than where to get sloshed for free in Chicago, New York, LA, Miami, San Francisco, and Honolulu? Read on, dear fans:

Myopenbar Chicago consists of professionals. Professional drinkers, of course. We’ve also been known to engage in a few sports, in between doing bicep curls with pint glasses: 

• urban golf (where we came in second place at the 1st Chicago Urban Golf Extravaganza)
• contact standup comedy (where the bar owners hit on us after our set)
• hula hooping (or as those ‘in the know’ call it when you drop it a lot, hoop dancing)
• urban shopping cart racing (where we got disqualified the first year and penalized multiple times the second)

We relish the chance to showcase our competivive natures — honed through years of kicking ass in pub quizzes and challenging traders to down Irish carbombs – into more physical endeavors. After all, when we burn off loads of calories, we can convince ourselves that the post-match drinking evens things out.

If you didn’t notice from our team photo, we have our very own cheerleader AND a real, live, highly ferocious (and possibly rabid) mascot. Chew on that, other teams!

Sure, we might only have a few genuinely athletic people on our team (here’s one them urging better playing to those out in the field):

But that’s not why we’re playing in this league. It’s because of the FREE OPEN BAR after the matches. That is where we dominate. Did any of the other teams let their dog lick beer off their face? No. Did any of the other teams fill the Saucony-provided water guns with beer and squirt it in people’s mouths? No. And do any of the other teams have bee-yoo-ti-ful titties as their not-so-secret weapon? Decidedly not.

Heaven help our rivals if we’re forced by rain to play drinking games in the bar instead of actual sports. Especially if this guy is involved. He may look innocent, but oh, the stories we can tell…